The French Fry Rating Scale
Taking into consideration freshness, uniqueness, quantity, value, and presentation, I’m going to rate french fries on a 5-tier scale;
This means that you should feel sorry for the poor, poor potato who waited its whole life to become cut up and fried with honor, and instead, was turned into a mushy, bland tasting french fry. It’s not worth the calories let alone the space on your plate.
They’re edible, but don’t taste much better than the ones in the frozen aisle.
Nothing more than average. You’re happy that they’re in your stomach and you might have even eaten them all, but they’re nothing spectacular. You ate them because you like the look of a clean plate. They’re like the early work of Chagal (no idea if that reference actually makes any sense, I just thought of his name so I figured I’d reference him).
Pretty damn good fries. They’re fairly unique, well prepared, amply seasoned and complement your meal nicely (or even make for a good appetizer). These are the kind of fries your ‘high-class’ British grandparents will actually eat and enjoy. The texture is good and the taste is great.
Five fries, if you will. The French Fryar loves these like a small child or cute puppy. These are the fries that are not only great tasting, but unique, fresh, and of course, come as a good sized portion. You don’t fuck with these fries. They’re like the cookie monster of fries. These fries once beat someone in Connect 4 in three moves. In a game of pogs, these fries didn’t even need a slammer. You have this urge to not only clean your plate, but to order 1-2 portions more, maybe to take home even though you know fries aren’t good leftovers (unless maybe you’re hungover and they have chili & cheese on them). There are not many that can create fries that are this good, but those who do shall be praised immensely. A 5 doesn’t necessarily mean they are the perfect fries, but they’re pretty damn close.
