Tavern
Neighborhood: Brentwood
Finally, a place that’s doing their part to give back to the greater good. It makes you feel like you’re home again…because we all grew up in households that made french fries. It makes me really, really happy when fancier place care about their fries (and doesn’t overdo it). But freal, these were awesome- really simple, but really good: sea salt + fresh rosemary (that they grow there).
Texture: 5
Seasoning: 4.6
Freshness: 4
Crispiness: 5
Ratings Scale
Honey’s Kettle Fried Chicken
Neighborhood: Culver City
Hmmm. The random light cajunesque seasoning really makes these. I do like them, but they’re not the best, and they’re consistently not crispy. Ever. Wack city.
Do NOT order them to-go though- they get crazy limp/soggs.
A mini-rant on ordering fries to go; I don’t really know any place with good takeaway fries. Sadly most places don’t think about this- with a foam or plastic to go box, your fries are dead within 1-2 minutes of closure.
Those who throw them in paper bags are the smartest, but oddly, not that many do. There are thousands and thousands of fries that die everyday, and with your help, we can make a change. Please check out www.helpthefries.org for more info.
Let’s see…
Texture: 3
Seasoning: 4.6
Freshness: 2
Crispiness: 0.7
Ample side grease from being relatively close to amazing tempura-esque fried chicken: 5.0
Ratings Scale
Umami Burger
Neighborhood: Mid-Wilshire
These reminded me of legos. Legos didn’t taste good, nor were these fries brightly colored with bumps, but they were the most perfectly rectangular fries I’ve ever had. This is neither a good nor a bad thing, it’s just interesting to note. Believe me, a lot of people think this is interesting- I have like 2.5-3 readers now. So, Umami used to do this awesome thing where they’d pile up their steak fries like building blocks- but they no longer do it. They changed the fries/presentation. So shady/damn economy. They sort of make up for it with their BYOB policy. But, they fail on a couple levels;
1st fail: They only offer a house ketchup, with literally a spoon sized portion. Now a LOT of people have been emailing in asking me my take on this- I don’t like it at all. First off, if you’re going to only offer your house ketchup, give us more than a spoonful (you can ask for more but the service is consistently shitty). And second, at least make it good. It tasted fresh, but I wanted my heinz. There’s something about that sugary/fake taste that’s oh so right. I may or may not bring my own heinz with my booze next time.
2nd fail: They literally give you 9 fries.
3rd fail: They literally give you 9 fries. Seriously, fuck you guys. Since they don’t come with the burgers, this is portion you get when you order it as a side. A SIDE. There is no reason for this.
Oh yeah, the fries themselves- always crispy, super simple, nothing special. Well salted. Bastards.
Ratings Scale
Hal’s Bar & Grill
Neighborhood: Venice
YYYyeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. French fries, made from real potatoes.
It’s like In N’ Out, but doesn’t taste like potato chips/shit. These were a little limpy, even after asking for them well done, but I can see the potential. Super simple, but the oil they used gave it a great semi-unique flavor. I think that’s when you know a fry is good, when having them limp still tastes great. On Sunday and Monday nights they also have great jazz after 9. French fries + jazz is a commendable combo. Hal’s also offers, for like $2 extra, to add truffle oil to your fries. This in theory is very exciting (to me, and like 3-4 other people tops), but in reality is way too overbearing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about adding fungi from the Langhe area of the Piedmont region in northern Italy that costs $1300-2700/pound (wikipedia ftw) to my fries, but it just doesn’t taste that amazing after 2-3 fries. It’s sort of like Gilbert Godfried, a person who is entertaining for 2 minutes tops.
Ratings Scale
The French Fryar: In Pursuit of the Perfect French Fry
I’ve developed a love, or perhaps an obsession. Not that stalker kind of love, but the love that makes your mouth happy and your stomach full. It’s not something that everyone gets, but those who do understand my mouth-watering feelings. I have a love for french fries. Crispy, salty, seasoney french fries. Those 20-40 slivers of potato (and/or other stuff) make people happy all over the world. If people could fry fast enough, they could probably stop wars. Think about this fact: growing up, 67% of kids prefer french fries over pizza, that’s a lot.* French fried relations reach back as far as 1894 (and maybe even 1882), when O. Henry (the pen name for William Sydney Porter) in his book, ‘Rolling Stones,’ said that “Our countries are great friends. We have given you Lafayette and French fried potatoes” (probably referring to England). And he’s right.
Two million tons of french fries are consumed each year, but only 600,004 tons are actually good tasting.* This needs to change. Or at least, we need to find these 600,004 tons and commend the fine men and women who concocted them. Some people go through their lives not knowing what’s out there- for every Mastro’s Steakhouse shoestring french fry, there’s a ridiculous amount of Wendy’sesque “I put lots of salt on old potato stuff” fries. That’s why I’m here. A friar is someone who is called to a life of service to a community. I will rate french fries near and far so that you don’t have to waste anymore time or money on those fries which many have come to consider as less than perfect.
Perfection of course is debatable, but when it comes to french fries, we need to find “the one.”
*most of my statistics are made up
Thanks for reading.
(Long story short, I’m going to rate french fries.
Some will be really shitty and some will be amazing but all will go into my stomach. Later on I’ll be having guest writers, different fry categories (shoestring, steak, waffle, curly, etc.), and user ratings too. If you have any recommendations of fries or just ideas in general for the blog, definitely email me at thefrenchfryar@gmail.com. Thanks again.)
